Ben Phoenix Simpson - Diary of a grumpy man
These days we all..no matter how independent..like to fit in..being a man of my late 40s holidaying alone in Benidorm.. I try to copy the trends... we all want to be cool (or if your under 20 the saying is now 'sick'.. unsure how being cool and vomit are similar)..
So here i am..Day 1 of my holiday (said in that annoying Geordie accent of Marcus Bentley from big brother).. got my sandals on...best knee length gray socks.. shorts... (a pair of cut down cords.. not wasting good money on shorts.. half a pair of kex or what??) and my best 3 quid primark t-shirt.. (got a bit sloppy on my 5th helping of breakfast so its looking a bit like a menu now).. up to 6 mozzy bites already..(for reference real men don't use repellent..sun block or deodorant)..
Spotted my ideal thing in one of the Chinese shops... a Superman t-shirt...this was made for me!!! so I'll get changed there and then.. with my gorgeous Jonny Vegas body..people deserve a treat...cant beat a bit of belly n bum crack.. off i strut with my superhero mojo going on (what? how dare you? i look like sloth from the goonies?? hey you guuuuys)...ow bloody mozzies... walking down the front..slapping my neck in the style well worth of Eric Morcambe..
Beer time.. had to walk past 10 bars to look for the cheapest beer...10c cheaper at the 1st one... omg.. half naked drunk people at a beach bar... disgusting..to show my disapproval I'll stand here watching them for the next few hours...head and arms are a nice shade of lobster red...ha..sunblocks for girls...
Off to old town seeing as i knocked back a few dozen scantily clad beauties (im well fussy me).. need food... tapas alley....tap ass....hahaha...gonna tell that one to everyone i meet...€5 for 5 tapas and a pint...WHAT? NO STELLA..well i want a big bowl of them chip things..where's the ketchup..raw fish???? dirty gits...you got any burgers..BUUURRRRP... in some countries that's a sign of appreciation (what do you mean..news for you mate not in Spain).. bloody mozzies.. more beer... cant beat a quaff or 2 (strange that..nobody uses the word quaff unless your in the paper for being drunk and disorderly after quaffing 8 pints of strong lager)..got a bit of a wobble on now...
Karaoke time... now..i sound like Elvis me...(what?? i sound like who? Zed from the 'police academy films') bloody mozzies.. best chat up lines not working (got 2..if i said you have a beautiful body would you hold it against me...and..relationship has 12 letters so does 'lets do shots'..ugly birds anyway...don't like hotpants me...bloody mozzies... some young uns are taking the mick... time to move on before i knock them all out...im well hard me..arms n head are a bit blistery now...it I'll be reyght...off for a wonder round the square... go on son...get it up... just stopped to pat the back of a random vomiter.. sicking up over his sandals...gonna need to rinse yer socks of son (i now get the similarity between cool and sick)...
Tried for and hour to catch the eye of a pole dancer...must need spec savers coz she didnt look my way once...i miss the old pound notes...no way am i slipping a €5 note in her thong ..not made of money me...bloody mozzies..
Time for chips n curry with 5 gallon of salt n vinegar...(they let you put it on yourself so i get my monies worth) forks are free too..so i got 6..love Spain me..now im not daft..my wristband shows which hotel im in... €4 for a taxi..sod that im walking...will give the ladies of the night a treat...a real man to feel up..strange...they all crossed the road...back at my 'digs'..a quick 'mucho amigo' to the young bird on reception...i speak the lingo me and she well fancies me...a quick couple of cans while sat on the balcony in the nuddy coz its Spain and thats what they do (beers a bit warm but not paying €3 a day for a fridge...not daft me)bloody mozzies..well comfy..think I'll kip here...i don't snore me..bloody mozzies...roll on day 2
Diary of a grumpy man..day 2 part 1
To begin with...no more comments about Big brothers Marcus Bently.. that started a whole geordie/smoggie debate that was akin to the war of the roses.. well.. i had a good kip.. to be honest..on the patio chair..didn't make it to bed.. been eaten alive..bloody mozzies.. just made a brew..kettle in here smells a bit funky.. a bit like my nan if truth be told.. put the t.v on.. all in bloody Spanish..need to complain too..batteries in the remote need replacing.. i took them out and give them a rub..but it wont last... starving me..
Wandered into breakfast... hmmm... whats this??? you've got to put the bread in the toaster and make your own toast... well im complaining about that for a start... not sure about this foreign bacon... prefer proper English bacon me..you know..the Danish stuff... WHAT...NO H.P SAUCE... not using that cheap stuff... gonna buy my own tomorrow... sat at the table for 20 minutes..SELF SERVICE.. gonna complain.. bloody mozzies(slap)..eggs a bit snotty...beans not Heinz.. are these beef or pork sausages.. just have a couple of dozen slices of this bacon...just to see if i like it..need a bigger plate.. bread will have to do..im not wasting my holiday making toast..coffee..fruit juice...HOLD ON.. FREE CAVA..that's my bottle...will just swig 4 glasses before taking one to the table.. fruit?? who had fruit for breakfast on holiday??? heathens.... been back for 2nd 3rd 4th and 5th helpings.. nicked some toast put in by a woman complaining that the bacons not Danish..bloody mozzies (slap)..you snooze you lose... just wrapping some bacon n sausage up in serviettes in case i get peckish... pockets full.. 14 sausage and a bit of fried bread in my bum bag...6 thick scooby doo style sandwiches being carried in the way a street drinker tries to carry a can of super strength without you noticing..
What do you mean..the bars not open yet??? well... just spent an hour at reception complaining..got new remote batteries..hotel will NOT be supplying Danish bacon.. they wont open the bar at 8am just for me..been asked not to sleep naked on the balcony... not stopping here again... holiday reps about 12.. keeps saying 'cool dude'..'sick' and 'chillax'.. think he must be German.....or a smoggie.. well....ive got my cut down brown cords on.. vest top (complete with breakfast down the front) flip flops... my €3 panama hat..pockets full of bacon n sausage and im off for a stroll to the cross..15 minutes at most...€3 for mozzie spray in Chinese shop..sod that...(slap)..bloody mozzies... hmm...that hill up to the cross looks steep....(to be continued)
Diary of a grumpy man day 2 part 2..
No flipping way am I paying for bottled water...it comes from the sky €2 for 5ltr..flippin rip off...is what I said at 9am this morning...I may have been wrong (slap) bloody mozzies.. im too old for mountain climbing..CARD...BLOODY..IAC HILL...Who in their right mind puts cross on the top of a mountain... put the bloody thing on the roof of Planet Benidorm instead of a globe at least we can have a couple of scoops while looking at it..took me 3 hours to get up here...the 6 bacon butties I snaffled from breakfast is gone..im sucking the fried bread for moisture.. dont have one of these posh phones with a camera..however i borrowed this expensive digital thingy from our Clive.. here lads...a couple of locals deygos lounging near the cross.. im less red now..vomitings stopped.. "HEY LADS..MUCHO PHOTOGRAPHO OF MEO IN FRONTO OF THE CROSSO"... cracking...err lads...can i have me camera back...lads...laaaads....LAAADS...S***...(legged it off down the hill)..got toes blisters now...taken my socks off to wipe my head...still...
Back in town now...starving...more tapas...hahaha...tap ass...love that one..(slap)bloody mozzies...now im not a tight man...but ive found the 'everything for €1' shop...got some top quality mozzie stuff..bottle of water..cant believe it. Shop next door sells English stuff... chocolate fingers €5...quickly do that lip shuffle thing while i work out the exchange rate..look like Steven hawking eating a worthers original..err.. yeah about a quid..OMG...H.P SAUCE€19... hmm (more lip shuffling)about £1.20 at my reckoning...better get 3.. (slap)bloody mozzies..cant believe this stuff doesn't work..i got 4 bottles for €1..
Stood watching some local business men playing a game of skill in the street...peace men i think their called..now theres a name you can trust.. this game is a sure fire winner.. gonna bring a couple of hundred euro out tomorrow.. will win a grand in 20 minutes (editors note..DO NOT DO THIS)...
Well ive hit that beach bar again...suns hot..top off...the birds love me..their all checking me out...evening time...im a bit bladdered...might just have a cheeky lie down on one of these empty sun loungers (slap slap SLAP)..bloody mozzies...
Woken up at midnight by a copper built like a brick out house...oi...wheres my hat..wallet..water..chocolate fingers...gone the same way as our Clives bloody camera thats where...better move..ive heard these coppers beat English tourists and then eat them... got to do the walk of shame through reception in just my shorts...still got my brown sauce though.. I shoved the bottles down my kex..not daft me..although one bottle seems to be leaking down my leg...that bird on receptions giving me funny looks...think it because ive remembered the sausages in my bum bag..got them out and am using them to wipe the brown sauce off the backs of my legs....and eating them!!!...love Beni me...night all roll on day 3...(SLAP)..BLOODY MOZZIES......
Diary of a grumpy man day 6..part 1
NOW HOLD ON.. before you start.. I'll say it..what happened to days 3,4 &5.. Im in Beni.. been bladdered for 3 days.. ive lost a few days..all inclusive wristbands has been well hammered.. which is normal for me on holiday..(slap) bloody mozzies..wish i could lose them..
I keep getting some weird flash backs..all wavy lines like in Scooby doo.. at least I hope its that..gone a bit o.t.t on the vodka..might be those mirage type wavy lines you get off a damp tramp on a hot day.. and saying that..if truth be told I am a bit wiffy at the mo... been a bit busy for a shower... a quick dip in the pool later should cure that problem... best way to shed 6 days of arm pit wiff... share it in the pool... bums a bit like a chewed orange too.. its either this foreign food.. pie n chips aint the same in Spain... or I had a bad pint... or just not wiping properly... can never remember...is it wipe front to back or back to front..
Tell you what...some grand lads from Burnley told me about that bidet thingy... said its for brushing my teeth in.. well I have found a new use for it...well handy for giving the old harris a wash...grand for my farmer giles.. bet no one has ever thought of using it as a bum washer...well its my idea..I am going to copyright it and make millions..(slap) bloody mozzies..
Well rough today.. you meet some mad people in Beni... chatting to a couple in old town the other day... went for tapas...haha..tap ass..well funny that... met a Mrs Monroe and her bloke Adolf..now I like a sherbet or 9.. but this woman could drink sangria like it was a world record attempt...quick someone ring Norris McWirter.. she had a jug the size of a post box..if the fruit in sangria adds to your '5 a day'..that lass is on 500 a day...to quote the young uns..im well jell.. sick man...never has so much been consumed by so few...
I moved on...she started ordering vodka!!!.. Spent 2 hours this morning looking for a bog... damn hard-work when you've got the squits...why does Beni have no bogs??..who do I complain too?...learnt the trick now...I go into the coffee shops or burger bars..bog access code on your receipt..bit of secret info for you there... nip in the ladies while no ones looking..smells like my nan in here? whys there squares of bog roll everywhere?...
Its a vicious circle this..put on 5 stone eating n drinking shed loads of stuff I buy just to get the toilet code to get rid of the last lot of stuff... Adolf suggested nipping into the pub to use the bog...WHY ON EARTH DIDNT I THINK OF THAT...
Seen Dennis in old town..you know Dennis... little bloke..looks like an uncle joes mint ball...little geordie bloke off auf weidersein pett..hes in that holiday programme on Itv now..dresses like Judith Chalmers...now whats it called???...nope slipped my mind...OI DENNIS WHERES YER WIG..WHERES OZ.. WHY EYE MAN..bloody snob gave me the V..these actors get all Lawrence Olivier dont they.. he's sat with her off loose women and Boycie..shouted wheres Reg Holdsworth and 'Marlene'..also gave me the V.. honestly..there is no talking to some people...
I walked past the hotel they film that programme at...damn...what is it called??? got stopped by a begger women asking for 'cheese'..don't give her owt someone said...they only spend it on drink and drugs..tbh I hardly expected them to invest in an ISA.. buy her a pie..she cant inject that..poor bloody womans had more pies than a Wiganer with an all inclusive wristband..so I gave her a couple of those small gold coins with a 5 on them..thought she'd have been more grateful..by my reckoning theres at least a tenner there and easier to spend than cheese... btw... (slap) bloody mozzies.. watch them 'peacemen'..did me for €300 sure the things a bloody con...was just about to win my money back and the bloody coppers turned up.. unsure why they legged it leaving me with a cardboard box..OI..MANUEL WHERES MY MONEY...(to be continued)...
Diary of a grumpy man day 6 part 2...
Got me one of them membership cards for all them pubs owned by the same bloke.. 10% off all drinks...I don't care if its only €1.50.. I want my 10% off!!!
E-cigs playing up..might be summat to do with me trying to light it like a fag yesterday..bloke who runs the chips n curry stall sold me some liquid for it... scooped it right out the fryer and poured it into an empty h.p sauce bottle... reminds me.. still got 3 bottles in my room unused as I only made it up for breakfast once..anyway this liquid even tastes of chips...bonus... only €45 for 500ml... thats only about 2 quid...
Went into a bar on the strip to see one of them there hypnotists.. all a bloody con if you ask me.. (slap).. bloody mozzies... seen them on the telly..slip you loads of vodka and plant people in the crowd... seem to have lost a few hours here.. now i´m not weak minded.. no way will I go under.. seem to think for some reason I was in the Jeremy kyle show...had a baby and was a chicken laying a square egg..now all that forcing isn't too good for a man with squits... quick rinse off in the bog sinks. They have blokes that work in there... stood in front of the drier and holding a towel.. well after I used it like dental floss... cured the leaky squits juice.. gave him a couple of them gold 5c coins... well flash me...(new saying for him.."quick squirty coz your dirty") had a good squirt of the cheap stuff too incase I pull..(found out later this is dual purpose attracts mozzies and repels women)..
Working on the theory that I now smell good and i´m a bit of a bird magnet I headed out front to watch the lasses on the rodeo bull.. got right up front for the best view..coz everyone knows all the pervs stand at the back... I was in charge of shouting "wey hey" every time a skirt rode up.. doormen asked me to leave... whats up pal..I aint done nowt wrong... he said "its 5am..you've been stood in the same spot for 7 hours"..best night of my life..
(slap) bloody mozzies.
Hey where did all the crickets go? part of the fun was complaining you've had no sleep for 3 nights coz of the noise.. now its only bloody mozzies (slap).
Tell you what..now i´m not fussy..the women love me..BUT.. when you walk down the sea front during the day...I mean..what can you say but "put it away love..you look like that Dennis in his wig and a thong".. reminds me..gonna give my mankini a try later.
Some lasses on a hen do gave it too me..anyway I spotted a nice bird sunbathing..too busy staring..fell off the prom wall n slammed my spuds..not good..(got a cheer from the few hundred people in a beach bar).. heads ok though.. landed on the sleeping dosser who drinks vodka from a juice carton.. his spuds are gonna be worse than mine when he sobers up!!!
Thats the day time but WHAT happens come night time??? some type of weird tv cross over on the prom.. all the women.. its like made in Chelsea meets prisoner cell block H.. the local women emerge like leather vampires all toddling up and down with miniature dogs kind of like a retro Emmerdale convention complete with hundreds of Edna Birches and batleys.. they love me..can see them talking and pointing.. better put my shirt back on.. (slap) bloody mozzies.. being eaten alive.. shame..was well rocking my Gazza look!!!
Phew i´m aching like mad...did some serious dancing.. joined in with some act where I had to wear a black hat and sunglasses.. great fun.. nicked the props too.. what a chat up line "everybody needs somebody to love" is...didn't pull...think they were Spanish though.. who cant resist me???
Next I ended up in some club (why am I thinking of rubiks cubes)..couple singing were well good..a bird with cracking legs that kept giving me the eye singing with a cockney geezer with a red hanky.. wig, frilly shirt n big coat (must be mental..coat like that in 98° heat) .. some cracking bird with a camera was pole dancing.. lovely Irish lass.. thought id join in.. doorman thought different..7 foot 6 of doorman with a lurch vibe going on..threw me out like a "bat out of hell".
Well... got me some chips n curry...got felt up on the way back to the hotel.. them bloody women's hands got into more places than the bloody mozzies (slap).. gerroffame.. that bird in reception is giving me the eye again.. sod it.. I'll give it a try.. HUYWEEEE... whoops.. sangria mixed with chips n curry..omg its in her hair and everywhere.. think I might have blown it here.. hold on though.. "never mind love.. it'll wash out.. come use my shower n I'll wash yer back".. wink..wink... (SLAP.. SLAP.. SLAP)...OWW BLOODY RECEPTIONISTS!!!!
night all.. last day tomorrow.
Diary of a grumpy man.. going home..
Got an early morning call.. didn't ask for one but I think last nights chunder barrage on the receptionist was the final straw.. turns out she didn't fancy me..who'd have thought it.. €400 they made me pay.. something about 'clean up costs' and my t.v and patio furniture accidentally falling over my balcony into the pool.. so here I am in bed..woken up by a manager..6 waiters and the pool boy..im laid there looking up at them all...its like being mugged by the cast of Casualty..
left some of them gold coins for the cleaner 2 x 20's 2 x 10's and 4 x 5's..about 30 quid there... (slap) bloody mozzies..not going to miss them!!! that cleaner worked damn hard and did a good job of cleaning up last nights combo of sangria and chips n curry and she managed to rid the 'foot wash sink' of 7 days of pebble dashing.. bloody foreign food didn't agree with me.. think its all that tapas...haha tap ass..never gets old that one..
Just time for a final sesh before pick up.. need to go buy 10.000 fags and 14 bottles of vodka..never hear a thing from my family until they get wind of you going abroad..then suddenly everyone wants fags n vodka...found a bar I am not barred from.. just a quick 12 pints.. fell over the drunk with the fruit juice carton again..I want his job..
Had another go with the 'peacemen'... that bloody pea.. cost me another €150...grrrr.. its hard work getting all this booze in my case.. nicked 4 towels to pad it out a bit.. left a bottle for the cleaner.. bottle of bloody h.p sauce..COST A BLOODY FORTUNE THAT STUFF..IVE JUST WORKED OUT THE EXCHANGE RATE!!!
Pick up was 10 minutes late..I complained..should get some compo for that.. them bloody customs men dont like me.. bloody cow berthing glove right up to his shoulder.. feel like an extra on Emmerdale...touch your toes they said..oooowwwwww...few more cheeky beers and a few vodkas on the plane..HOW MUCH...shove that mate..only give him a little slap..no need to divert the plane to 'that London'.. short story long £400 fine..
Had to get a train back up north...finally home.. pushed the button on the answering machine..no calls.. a week later.. sat in the yard.. drinking piss poor supermarket sangria..in my shorts -3° knee deep in snow.. recreating that Benidorm atmosphere (slap) bloody midgies.. filled out my complaint forms and ready for next year..
Benidorm has many nice visitors...but you'll always find one of me...until next time.. thank you all for sharing in my insanity.. (and in my real life its Saturday evening.. I am sat at home waiting for my taxi to the airport and im coming back to my little piece of heaven.. time to put the Ben back into Benidorm)... already taking notes for chapter two...
Christmas Diary of a grumpy man..part 1:
7 ruddy am on Christmas eve morning and her indoors wakes me up with a brew n bacon butty... nice?? naaah...she wants summat.. got to go ruddy Christmas shopping...my idea..wait till the day before..everyone will be done by then..super markets and shops will be quiet..us men know best!..
Got the 6 kids in the back seat and Asco here we come.. SHUT UP..ruddy kids doing my head in already..whats this new language they all speak..some sudo 'Made in Chelsea' accent.. what the frig 'totes amazebols' is..is beyond me.. pulled back into my own bloody driveway for the 6th time.. another one of the sprogs has forgotten some ruddy lead..cable.. or summat.. considering they've got their noses stuck to some screen or other there still ruddy noisy...
OMG..how many cars can you get on one car park..RIGHT YOU LOT..GRAB 2 TROLLIES EACH (no..get them ones you dont have to stick a quid in)..you..(sprog no1) your in charge of bread and milk.. 40 of each should be enough..im in charge of the main necessities..beer n bog roll (swiped one of the staffs stock trollies for this task)..CRASH(tannoy)..clean up on isle 3.. move quick..my lot have to be behind it.. 40 cases of lager (san miguel of course..a taste of Benidorm)..40 bottles of assorted spirts.. 3 bottles of advocat for her nan..who just has to have a bloody snowball..port..sherry..HOW MUCH..a ruddy turkey..no a bloody emu.. OI.. get another trolley..we need hogs in duvets.. NO..not the ruddy luxury range..get some of them frozen ones...200 in a bag..all snout n bum holes... tell the kids its a bush tucker trial.. get a 10k bag of sprouts.. 2nd thought..might need more bog roll..Oi MATE.. MOVE YER TROLLEY..eh?
What queue..200 people in a line waiting on 3 tills (new policy of putting pensioners on the tills)..ruddy old people.. who needs to come out and buy cat food on Christmas eve..quick there´s an empty till...14 trolley of stuff piled on the conveyor..looks like food jenga..eh? WHAT DO YOU MEAN 10 ITEMS OR LESS.. WELL IM NOT FLIPPING MOVING THAT LOT...so after a 45 minute stand off I think they wanted shot of us and scanned it all...
OF COURSE I WANT BAGS..YOU THINK IM GOING TO PUT THIS LOT IN MY POCKET..5P EACH (ARRGGHH)..(got 30 bags of carrier bags at home)..£1500 in shopping (arrghh..i just pooed a bit)..and you dont even get green shield stamps..boots full..arse fell out of half the bags..bloody rip off 5p for a bag and it falls apart.. took a pic and sent it off to the Thomas Cook rep..he deals with all my complaints..
Kids in back seat eating haribo and swigging red bull..least their quiet.. DONT THROW UP IN MY CAR..oh..its sick man..apparently means cool.. who rewrote ruddy English..leave the ruddy radio alone..boom boom soddin boom..that not music is ruddy noise..get a bit of Cliff on.. home now.. freezers like some huge 3d jigsaw..putting fish fingers in the gaps in singles..
While I have been at work that cheeky cows only got a new freezer (bloody tardis) AND ONLY GONE AND STUCK IT IN MY SHED..ARRGGHH..(this means war)...beers stashed time to crack open a tinny..
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN CHRISTMAS SHOPPING..we have just been shopping..presents??ARRGGHH...a ruddy hour in Pandora..that´s an hour of my life I aint getting back..mind you..all them birds in skimpy black dresses (SLAP) bloody Mrs.. apparently women don´t get the saying 'you can look but not touch..YOU DEFFO CANT LOOK..(SLAP SLAP SLAP)..lost track of how many times I have said 'how much'.. given in..shes swiping my credit card like some demented ninja..OI..MOVE..who buys a ruddy hoover on Christmas eve..actually..good idea that..kerching£££..that the wife's prezzie sorted..hopefully it will have the same effect as the steam iron I got her for her birthday (she wont speak to me for a week..who's dart eh? )..
I suggested nipping into Jan Winters (cheaper version sexy kex shop) for something a bit slinky..like any other man..shes off trawling the racks and i find myself in the thong section..well you've got to look..can hear mutters of 'pervert'..bought one of those gag things for a laugh..50 shades of Ben..
I am now struggling with 4 million rolls of Christmas paper..just spent one an a half grand on food and what do this lot want..Mac ruddy Doogals..oh good..more queues..more kids with noses stuck to their screens..OI..ITS CALLED POKEMON GO...SO GO..funny aint it.. even after 6 big macs im still hungry..another £150 later..how can kids moan and leave half their tea at home then come here and hoover up chips..not by the fist full..oh no..one at a time dipped into the worlds smallest sachet..I went to the pump thingy and filled the ashtray..dont mess me about..(sorry fries there called now apparently)..when did this happen..bloody Donald Trumps fault that..who'd want to live in a country where crisps are called chips and a fanny is a bum??..finally home..
WHAT DO YOU MEAN..WRAPPING PRESENTS?? thats woman's work (SLAP SLAP SLAP)..4 ruddy million rolls of paper and were still short... last few got wrapped in tin foil (we've all done it)..turkeys stuck defrosting IN MY RUDDY SHED.. cats got in there and looking at it not knowing whether to eat it or hump it..6pm.. feed the kids the line 'got to go to bed early or Santa wont come'..Santa..another bloody Trump word..IT'S FATHER CHRISTMAS..
First person to wish me 'happy holidays' is getting punched in the face.. should be in the pub in an hour..easy..WRONG.. 2 hours decorating the whole ruddy fireplace with glasses of milk..glasses of sherry..mince pies and carrots (which im going to have to eat after ive had a skin full)..pubs packed.. everyone's pished..to quote one of my kid "im well jell"..birds behind the bar are wearing mother Christmas outfits..Ive decided im standing here at the bar all night (SLAP) sorry love...yes dear..I'll sit right over there with my back to the bar..got my bit of mistletoe attached to my belt..women love that (SLAP)..correction..all women except mine.. well im not sure what 'mulled wine' is..but ive drunk gallons of the stuff and im now bent double decorating my shoes with it...3am..gonna be rough tomorrow..kebab?? no thanks..ive got 50 mince pies and 20kg of carrots waiting at home for me...roll on tomorrow
Christmas Diary of a very grumpy man...part 2
6 ruddy am... In Benidorm that's coming home time not getting up time...kids eh?..gone are the days of a bit of Christmas morning rumpy pumpy.. so the living room is decimated.. been raining wrapping paper for an hour..families all turned up..our Clive loves his new camera (last one got nicked in Beni)..
Kids are silent except a myriad of beeps from various electronic devices..money well spent..selection boxes are open..everyone's having a chocolate breakfast.. wife loves her new hoover..well she must do..only been slapped twice and shes not spoken since (result)..leaving her Pandora present until later..might as well enjoy the silent treatment.
I have been put on kitchen duty..jankers I think they call it.. peeled a sack of spud..a million sprouts.. every fingers got 3 blue plasters on (nicked from works first aid box)..
The cats had enough and taken up residence in the Christmas tree..randomly ninja attacking the kids fingers as they nick the chocolates (love that cat)..despite the fact its chewed half the leg off the turkey.. making sure the in-laws get that bit (or outlaws as I call them)..
10.30 am..got a beer on..the Mrs does a thing where she puts out mini sausages..silver-skin onions..picky bits..never been sure when exactly these are for but she guards them..looking like a dinner lady with a big metal spoon..randomly cracking knuckles of anyone daft enough to swipe one (basically we all have red swollen knuckles)..used every plate pan bowl and utensil in the kitchen..turkeys in the oven on its arse end..the only way to fit it in..I took the shelves out and booted it a bit to jamb it in..our Clive's ruddy dog..fell over the bloody thing 6 times already..now its trying to dry hump my leg...been through every cupboard..(what a bloody debacle the turkey was)..forgot the ruddy stuffing.. coat on.. got to find a shop..cant drive because I have had a beer or 9.. an hour later found one at the other end if town.. robbing get.. 20 quid for 5 packets..well the thing is the size if an emu... wheres the foil...NOOOOOOOOOO...flash back to yesterday's present wrapping... another hour long trip..the guy behind the counter is smiling... this is going to cost me!!! HOW MUCH..ruddy turkey might as well be covered in gold leaf...ruddy wrestlemania with the turkey..cat on one leg..dog on the other.. her nans sulking..told her I am not interested on how she cooked things during the war..shes got her face on and giving me the evils while down copious amounts if snowball's (now I like a drink..you've probably noticed..but I draw the line at drinking frothy phlegm)..
Kids are hyper now..too much chocolate.. trees gone over 3 times..dogs got the cat pinned behind the settee...peed on the tree twice..humped my leg 6 times.. nans hit Clive with her stick...silence..the Queens on...yeah whatever...
No silence in this house.. foods ready...looks like the last supper... gravy went well..(I was in charge of gravy..went a bit lumpy..used the masher to break it up a bit..resorted to the power drill with the whisk attached..long story short... kitchens got a gravy ceiling)...
Pulled a cracker and "accidentally" elbowed an outlaw in the nose..dogs got a hold of the turkey carcass..kids have him cornered in the kitchen with the brush and mop...bung it in the fridge..it'll be reyght...got to have turkey sarnies later...been washing up for over an hour..cost me a tenner a piece for the kids to help... resorted to peeing in the grate..cant get near the bog...headed for my shed..sanctuary..NOOOOO..ruddy dogs got in and sat in my chair..not getting near that... cant go for a ciggy as the kids have nicked them all..
The wife had the brilliant idea of shoving 5 pence pieces in to the Christmas pudding..which she then put in the microwave to heat up...BOOM...silly cow... cold pudding and custard..with brandy in it..no way am i eating that white sauce stuff...ruddy wall paper paste..OOOWWW.. cracked a filling on a ruddy 5p... had to Heimlich our Clive who choked on one.. her Nan swallowed about 6...the change will do her good..(change..get it..never mind)..beers well flowing now.. had a go on the kids karaoke machine.. cats hissed and legged it.. got my inner Elvis going now..ruddy kids are now camped out under the table swiping every drink thats left unattended for 10 seconds..nans snoring..so we've decorated her in all the tree decorations the cat knocked off..
Clives showing the outlaws his various rashes and scars..wife's got a smile on her face..ive Pandorad her..gonna be getting me some later.. just need to sort my green head out..(ink from a hat from a cracker has run)... not had a slap for hours..all is good with the world...Merry Christmas to everyone..see you in Benidorm in April.
Diary of a grump man Sales, Sales, Sales
SALES...SALES..SALES..who on earth are these sales supposed to save money for??? an hour traipsing round IKEA..no man goes to IKEA off his own back...EVER..ruddy frilly cushions..now got that many the seat of the settee is now level with the back...and bed cushions..what on earth is their purpose...oh..I know..lets stack 50 assorted shaped cushions on the bed..for what..to take them off at night and put them back in the morning...thats about as pointless as being a bingo caller in Benidorm.. (extra rant..lets turn a blind eye to mugging..begging..prostitutes and pea men but ban bingo)...
All the poundshops are selling Christmas decorations 3 for a quid..wife's well on it..oh look one till open...good thing about the quid shops..you can eat half of the stuff before you get to the till and nobody cares..
We got a new microwave after the Christmas pudding fiasco.. digital..who in the world has ever sussed out how to use one..
The wife has spent hours buying clothes that dont fit..but will give her a goal to aim for..for the holidays (strange goal to have after buying 50 half priced selection boxes..40 boxes of shortbread and 9 million tubes of smarties)..whats with this woman's thing in town.."lets go for a coffee"..oohh lets have a cake...car boots full of mince pies cakes chocolate logs and she pays 4 quid for a cake half the size of a washing up sponge and tastes exactly the same..another fiver for a cup of lukewarm milk with half a spoonful of coffee...but women have to have their lattes (which is an acromymn for..Look At This Terribly Expensive Shite)..
I think these places have the same staff training school..greggs..coffee shops..pound bakery... Bogfarts..school of dumbass and idiocy... whys beer not cheep in the sales...except ruddy advocate..you know my feelings on that...and eggnog...or badger sick as I call it...oh and another thing..
I have a solution for the whinging gets on facebook pages..my hotels Christmas lunch wasn't too good...they cook for hundreds of people...STAY AT HOME...or my plan b... Tracy Ann Essex mentioned how much work goes into cooking for just her and Derek..let alone mass hotel catering..she right.. listen to her..instead of moaning...I saw the other side of the conversation.. next year I amm going round to Tracy´s........... every woman needs to cook for more than two people..its their job (SLAP SLAP SLAP next time Tracy sees me)...
WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA "its between Christmas and New Year..lets go for a walk and blow the cobwebs out"... traipsing through the park wrapped up like bloody Naanook of the North.. blue fingers..kids on the swing screaming 'dad push me'..how about I push you into the ruddy duck pond so we can go home... oh btw... that good idea of buying a trampoline for the garden...oh yes..great idea..NOT...not when you've spent 4 hours in A&E...no..the kids are fine...it was me...bloody eggnog and trampolines dont mix!!!
Diary of a grumpy man #skint
What's every Benidorm page full of i ask?.. the same old questions..' where can i get a cheap hotel'.. and is it just people being tight..i think not.. flight and hotel costs gone through the roof..despite how cheap it is when you get there.. so what do the great British public do.. we say.. sod that..the weathers nice..forget the holiday.."lets have days out"..ruddy fools that we are.. weekend traffic tailing back miles..car like a sweat box..dad i need a wee..dad he hit me..I'll hit you in a minute..now shut up and wee in a pop bottle..but dad im a girl... to think people complain about a 45 minute transfer from Alicante to Benidorm..then tut at every 2 minute drop off before their hotel..5 hours in traffic to get to Blackpool..3 to get to Benidorm.. so we finally arrive in Blackpool.. not even going there with the comparison people make to Benidorm... beggars..buskers and bag heads sums the place up.. £150 for my tribe to go on the pleasure beach..wheres the pleasure in that?(there's always some mouthy one in the queue bragging how they booked online and saved about 3 quid).. kids want a slush..another 10 quid.. a word of warning with that slush stuff..steer clear if the blue one..turns your ruddy number 1's n 2's green..you try standing at the trough having a slash and everyone moves away.. # martianwee.. so we stand in the blistering sun queuing ages to get on a ride that to be honest scares the life out of me but i have to front it out for the kids sake..put your hands in the air dad.. yeah right.. then some ride called valhalla.. soaked (notice i substituted this word) wet through..dad i need a wee.. just do it..like anyone will notice... can we have a hot dog...bratwurst...( translates to=ruddy expensive gristly dog meat)..£25 gone.. so after 6 hours of being evenly burnt and drenched.. mugged at food and drink stalls.. cleaning 3 kids up of puke because they wanted food n slush before riding the big one...blue chunky puke...nice... so we walk up the 'golden mile'.. so many tat shops.. nowhere near as good as the Chinese shops.. you can't buy a big bag of 'lays' here at 4 am.. can we go in the tower dad...£100.. another sweat box..one massive kids ball pit type play area..us old fogies will remember many years ago this area was full of exotic birds..the glass roof kept it hot for them..so it only makes sense to stick the kids in an oven full of foam and balls..on average of every 15 minutes their sweating like a granny at the back of a queue for a jumble sale... and whats on offer to drink...slush..now everyone''s weeing green..i found the bar..a fiver a pint...back outside..fish n chips..well it is the seaside..£50.. back to the car..to find a parking fine..i already paid a tenner..on closer inspection..that was for 2 hours...so we make the next mistake of what i call 'the dad plan'.. lets set off early to miss the traffic..10.000 men all thinking the same..how can it take 5 hours to get somewhere and 8 to get home...so to sum up my day..half if it travelling £500 not including petrol..kids stink of sick..a green wee stain on my back seat that isn't gonna come out (bottle was full..despite the best efforts of my lass trying to get my son to drink the nice lime drink)...kids hyper due to all the slush....you know what im doing now??? BOOKING FOR BENIDORM..its a site ruddy cheaper!!! stay sane people
Diary of a grump man.. holiday anguish
Not my usual rant..but a rant never the less.. what the tulip is going on with holiday prices..now i'm not tight (what???).. but £700 half board for Beni is taking the tulip..blame it on Brexit..airlines..hotel owners..fuel tax..the king of Norway.. the people who make keys for tins of corned beef that always leave you with cut fingers...personally i blame the pea men...there the only ones making a profit... so here i sit scanning these many apps...destination..date..board..guests..date.. hit 'back'..lose 10 minutes worth of information youve just fed in..start again... repeat 4 trillion times just to find Benidorms equivalent of faulty towers..charging zillions of pounds for a shoe box..(thinking of the hotel in the Inbetweeners movie..i charge you €50 if you tulip on the floor)..ok we think..its expensive..BUT.. does it have a hair drier..kettle..trouser press..wifi..gold plated taps..english bacon h.p sauce..is right in the middle of the strip..but oh yes..must be quiet..no stags or hens..sadly its the same the world over..everywhere is expensive.. but why the tulip has our little piece of heaven gone inflation crazy...so hours of scanning..were too lazy to look at hotel reviews on the Benidorm seriously web site..so we post never ending..whats hotel scuzzpitt like..to get reviews like 'tulip'...the great British public like a bargain..they dont mind much if things are dear..but we all hate the idea of being ripped off..like booking a hotel with great views and being put in its sister hotel overlooking the bins..we finally decide on a hotel that's a tenner cheaper regardless of the fact it 4 light years away from anything and costs millions of euros in taxi fares..but at least my hotel has English bacon..you know..that Danish bacon???..many will miss fiesta this year.. many will be tempted by a cheap last minute deal..£150 for 7 nights in Bosnia..all we can do is not book..save up..and complain even more next year when that £700 has tulipingly escalated to over a grand.. this rant is akin to watching 'Jezza'..nothing gets sorted..we just moan a bit...anyway..i'm off to put a deposit on a week in Afghanistan...wonder if hotel 'duck and cover'..has a hair drier...i know..your thinking im a right tulip (no offence meant to any tulips out there..simply replace with your own choice of tourettes related diatribe)...good luck to those undercover millionaires who are off to Benidorm..who are currently sat in their cases trying to get 22k into a 15k baggage allowance..then have to dump half of their possessions in Spain just so they can fit 6 bottles of vodka and 10 cartons of ciggies in their caes..then try to explain to a screaming 5 year old why they cant put a 4 foot high inflatable swan in there too..good luck bargain hunting folks...happy holidays..if you've got kids...enjoy the next 6 weeks whilst praying for the new term to come....drink loads..stay safe..and beware the pea men.
Diary of a grumpy man..General whinge
What's with this priority booking malarkey... WOMANS LOGIC..lets get on the plane first..walk past the long queues of people..swanking my nan used to call it ( id grown up before i realised her at number 13 with the fur coat who according to nan was swanking...i thought by nans description that she was a prostitute..turns out her husband owned a coat shop)..so we swank to the front of the queue..past the families..drunk people..screaming kids..the great unwashed croud of B.O Berties...and we're on the plane.. THEN.. i get smacked in the head more times than i can count by everyones hand luggage who follow us.. screamed at by kids as their parents are busy assaulting me with spongebob square pants cases.. rancid armpits wafted in my face as the great unwashed attempt to cram rucksack into the overheads..umpteen arses in my face of the drunked hordes..
MANS LOGIC.. stay in the bar till the last moment..be able to go for a pee without bending over backwards like a limbo dancer like you have to do in the plane bog..board last..let the cabin crew find a gap for your bags..waft your armpits in everyones faces..stagger into the early boarders..stick your arse in the face of the "tutters"...job done..money saved...come on ladies listen to us men..we know best???(honest?)
Diary of a grumpy man - August 2019
her versus him..
So my beer trough (betrothed)..decides to drop a last minute holiday on a family with 3 kids.. im now on a shopping spree..washing..ironing.. packing..exchanging money..putting the dog into kennels...
(him) well ive booked us an holiday..im off down the pub to brag
(her) minibus to the airport booked..every electronic device imaginable packed..going to cost an arm and a leg for extra luggage
(him) hand luggage does me..what do you need all that stuff for
(her) hearding the kids through the airport burger bar..queues a mile long
(him) obligatory 6am airport beer
(her) on the plane..kids seated..passports collected for safe keeping..3 tonnes of haribo dished out
(her) cases collected..everyone onto the transfer coach after 3 wrong attempts
(her) got to our rooms.. everything to unpack.. a million chargers plugged in
(her) kids in the pool creating world war 3 and a hail of tuts from everyone in a 4 mile radius
(her) off out for food..he's doing that thing where he gets a roadkill monster breakfast
(him) buuuuurrrrp...wheres the bar
(her) taking kids to the beach...got sun loungers
(her) got a quick paddle between umpteen sessions of applying factor 50 to the kids.. buying drinks..slush..ice creams
(her) back to the hotel to get ready to go out..guess who's lobster red
(him) aftersuns for wimps
(her) kids entertained for onces..time for a bucket of gin..whats that love..your shirts stuck to you..shame that
(him) nip to the shop..ive heard natural yoghurt is good for a bit of burn..they only had that thick lemon stuff that looks like monkey snot
(her) back to the hotel..he smells surprisingly lemon fresh for once..although he's attracting every mozzie in Benidorm
(him) ruddy mozzies...(slap)
(her) up..kids sorted..down for breakfast
(her) nice peaceful week..kids chilled out in the pool.. got until teatime when he gets up
(her) chatting to people in the hotel.. about various tribute acts..the amazing Gareth Fulton
.. the water park..boat trip..the waterfalls
(him) Benidorm has a water park???
(her) nice quality time with the kids.. packed up now...accidentally on purpose left his underwear on the drier on the balcony..no way in hell is that going in my case
(her) had a lovely holiday..some nice walks.. plenty of sightseeing..found some lovely tapas places in old town.. saw the Blues Brothers and Meatloaf
(him) got blitzed and got a huge kebab wrapped in foil..told 3 beggars to get a job..lost my kex somewhere
(her) plane home.. kids settled..
(him) spend the leftover euros on beer
(her) home now... mount Everest of washing to do... need bread and milk..dogs back and going mental..dry humping everything
(him) im off to the pub...if i can get this ruddy dog off my leg first...
two very different holiday points if view... which one are you...(him) or (her)